Airports and Anxiety and Happiness

October 15, 2015 ~ Demetra Szatkowski

Hi happiness. I feel you.

I feel you bubbling up in my stomach and almost overwhelming my chest as I sit at my airport gate. I feel you hesitating, rushing up almost as if you fear being pushed back down again.

I always feel this, lately. I feel happiness but then I feel, “what if.”

What if I get excited about traveling but then something bad happens to my plane and then I die. What if somebody hijacks the plane and what would I do in that situation. Let’s go through every imaginary scenario. What if while I’m gone something happens to somebody I love. What if something happens to me and no one I love can deal with it.

I feel happy but what if I’m wrong. What if I don’t get to have this happiness and joy. What if I do not deserve it. What if I am destined to experience pain over and over again so that I learn from these experiences.

There have been times in the recent past when I have let these “what ifs” win. When I have allowed my mind to play these scenes out until I have successfully activated my body’s fight-or-flight response; until I am upset and scared and depressed and terrified of my own life. I cannot think “I love you” anymore without simultaneously hearing a voice say “but what if something happens to you.”

But I am becoming more aware, and when we bring our thought patterns into our awareness they begin to dissolve.

**

I bought a flower essence a few days ago, because I walked by it and on the tiny pretty bottle it said: “allows you to love without anxiety or fear for the well-being of your loved ones.”

My current battle summed up all in one sentence on one tiny little bottle.

Today I am winning. I don’t know if it’s helping but today I am winning. I feel my happiness and my excitement about my life and while I sense that other voice attempting to pull me down, I do not listen to it. I will no longer give it the opportunity to be heard, to be nourished. It is not real; it does not exist unless I allow it in and let it become my reality. It is my mind making things up inside my head, and I will not be a part of it, today.

I will not hurt my body because of my mind.

**

At the same time I am, quite absurdly, slightly grateful for these thoughts, the ability to have something to puzzle over inside my own head. Something that keeps me occupied. Something that keeps me working on myself. And I know that when I have totally won this battle I will find another to focus on.

**

I am in an airport and I am excited. I am allowed to be excited; it is my birthright to feel joy.

I hope that one day I am excited without even hearing another voice at all.