Releasing Trauma: A Story

October 23, 2015 ~ Demetra Szatkowski

I had an incredible experience happen to me this week. I feel that I cannot really go into it yet; cannot fully describe or analyze what has happened.

I know this: I broke open and cried and those around me did not see me as weak; instead, they saw me as strong. I know that I felt in my body all of the places where I was holding so much stuck pain and I felt it crack open. I ceased to be a part of my body. As if the part of me that is pure animal was released and my mind just sat back and said, “ah, so this too.”

There was a moment, through my tears, when I said I had always felt so alone.

I have always felt alone in my grief; not necessarily because of those around me but because I tend to prefer to isolate myself in my own sadness.

And after more and more tears I said I needed to go outside. And it was this old, old pattern of me running away, always, so nobody needs to bear the burden of me crying. But those around me asked gentle questions, and as I sat up the thought occurred to me that if I went outside I would be alone, again. Back into the pattern of always being so alone. And I couldn’t move then, seated, frozen.

And I was offered a blanket to cry into instead and I buried my face into it and was welcomed back into warm arms and then sounds I didn’t even know I had in me came pouring, rushing out as I screamed my pain into the blanket.

I was no longer in control; it was not me.

And it seemed that it would never, ever stop.

I sobbed for a lifetime of not feeling good enough and for a little girl feeling so alone in her pain. I screamed for everything that had happened to me and I cried for my brother, for my sweet, sweet brother. I cried for his voice and his strength and his smile and for this part of me that was torn out and ripped to shreds the moment I got the phone call that his car had crashed into the brick wall. I screamed for the pain that had caused me and I cried for not ever feeling completely allowed to express it.

I growled like a wild animal because I miss him and how dare he be taken from me. Tears ran down my face as I felt how I had so much isolated myself in my own grief.

And voices around me said let it out, it needs to be let out. They said you are not alone, you have never been alone.

And when the tears slowed down and my body was entirely exhausted and my brain had shut off from the overwhelming amount of information I said, “I do not think I have ever cried like that before, to anyone.”

And they said, “May it be the first of many.”

May it be the first of many.